Future Stories I Will Write Badly Just For You

Spam poem

2010-12-22T20:27:00.000-08:00

This is a spam poem, made by compiling together a few lines from the several spam comments from the previous post. (I translated the Chinese into English)

A girl’s masturbation beauty

How do you show it on the heart?

How to harvest the first of simple pleasures

When there are thousands of people praying

To items in the laws of stupid laws,

When you cannot determine the length of life,

But you can control the width of

Erotic sex porn, and babes

This is adult self-mapping

Banned in Taiwan

An erotic map that can guess

The true age of a woman

So clap your hands together

Because happiness is your heritage,

It should not depend on what you’ve done

Water is always the same,

When a human heart

can hold different conflicting things,

People will start becoming valuable.

soft and tired

2009-06-16T11:25:00.000-07:00

I was trying to be a lawyer. I carried a telephone in my hand and it grew heavy in the afternoon. In my first court hearing there was a handcuffed prostitute sitting in one of the seats. I was young and my shoes were unpolished. I looked at the prostitute. My masters took me to McDonalds afterwards. They closed their eyes and said I am tired. They did not see the prostitute. Prostitutes are everywhere. My face was young and they commented on it. I touched my food. We need you to polish your shoes next time. I disappeared in a big car and someone called me. The afternoons were always heavy.

***

One day my mother disappeared. My sisters were very small and they looked at me. My brother played basketball in the afternoon and he was tired. I think you should do something. Anything. We walked to the beach and forgot to bring water. Everyone was thirsty and quiet. My mother came back three days later and buried a talisman made out of human hair and eggshells in the front yard. Your father will come back because of this. My brother screamed at her but no sound came out of his mouth. He was very tired.

***

There was a big flood. I was 7 and I ran away from some children as part of a game. I imagined that they would hurt me if they caught me. They had plastic baseball bats. I jumped into the flood and I did not know how to swim. My mother told me that there were many bad men in the local swimming pool and that they would touch me so I did not want to learn. I did not want to be touched. I held on to a broken table floating in the water. A nail jutting out from the table went through my hand. I wanted to cry but I was too tired. A boat stopped by me and a man asked me to swim towards him. I shook my head and he looked very tired.

Future Story

Something that involves tired people.

inside your mouth shining

2009-06-07T13:59:00.000-07:00

I am choosing a birthday present for my little sister. I do not know what to buy and it is making me lose faith in myself.

Some people make you feel like squeezing them until they do something bad to you.

I was on the train and I dared myself to sit next to this stranger two seats behind me and ask him what was playing on his ipod. I thought that it was a good dare because he looked like he could punch me good if he wanted to. I didnt do it because I am chicken shit, but the good thing is it made my hands grow cold and I found out that something like this could scare me because I am so limited.

Some blogs I read give me comforting feelings.

A nightmare I could have: I meet the writer of a blog I like. We meet at a bar or something, and then we talk about ourselves and things we like to eat. I excuse myself and go to the toilet. I look at the mirror in the toilet and say "Shit." I want to ask the blog writer if he/she wants to sit at the nearest bus stop for fifteen minutes in complete silence. But I know he/she will look at me like I am a weird shithead. I want to slap the blog writer. I want to slap the blog writer and then run away saying "Shit. Shit."

Future Story

An old man wants to masturbate with his feet in the sea. He stands in the shore with the waves up to his ankles and begins to unbuckle his pants. A little child runs up to him and says "Hey." The old man says that he will give the child five dollars to go far far away. The child asks him what he is up to. The old man says that he is a scientist and that he needs to conduct a dangerous experiment so the child should go as far away as possible.

The child asks him if he knows any magic tricks since he is a scientist. The old man shows him a tattoo of a fish on his stomach and moves his stomach muscles so that it looks like the fish is swimming on his skin. The child runs away and says "Be careful old man."

The old man is tired so he lies down. He touches the fish and it hurts where he is touching it.

its raining so i am unable to say hello

2009-04-30T04:31:00.000-07:00

I am left alone in the house. He has left for edinburgh.

I am sitting in his little office trying to find reasons not to go shopping.

a- its raining

b- i hate everyone today

c- i will figure out more in a minute.

When I was small I would fantasize about being crushed to death by my fathers books. That would teach him.

Future Story

A woman falls in love with a cactus plant. The cactus plant is a devout Catholic and insists that it will not touch her before they get married, so they plan a wedding in May. Every night before she goes to sleep she thinks about ways the cactus plant can fuck her without cutting her up. She wonders if there is a picture she can find on the internet to use as reference.

i will chase you down until your mouth opens wide enough.

2009-03-31T18:59:00.000-07:00

Id like to say to a stranger "Hi, do you remember me?"

Ive never gone for proper therapy sessions. I was sent to "guidance counsellors" and some of my professors tried fixing me back in my scholastastic days. In my country, people who went to actual certified therapists were basically lepers without the leprosy. Depression was treated in the same vein as crazy. Nobody wanted to know you anymore if you were "getting help", and of course you would bring GREAT SHAME upon your family so it just wasnt an option for me, this therapy thing. When I told my sister that I was probably crazy she asked me what I wanted to do about it. I didnt really know at that point in time, so we let the crazy fester.

Now its grown into an invisible limb that spoons me soup every morning til I choke and smile.

Future Story

A little girl gets too tired to walk to school, she gets tired of walking, period, so she sits down underneath a tree and starts eating her tuna sandwich. The sandwich doesnt have mayonnaise or pickles. She eats the sandwich and wishes she had bought two sandwiches because she is in the mood to eat things. A bird of indeterminate species flies over her head and drops shit on her shoulder. It feels very heavy on her, like someone had slapped her in the face.

i will call you when the sky turns into a sea of milk, and all the babies turn away from their mothers.

2009-03-22T21:05:00.000-07:00

My head hurts in a major way at this moment. I feel quite accomplished because I exercised again today. Its like an admission that I like living, that I want to live good. Even if its just on the outside Id like people to see that in me.

I am buying a new chair from ebay. I want something that used to belong to someone and it should smell like coffee and shampoo. No one is selling that right now but my boyfriend found a cream leather chair from the netherlands. It is selling for 0.99 p.

I want to write honestly.

Future Story

A man hugs a statue in the middle of a town. He tells a girl passing by that it is his wife, that his wife is inside the statue. The girl tells him that he should call someone about it. Someone with an axe, with a big machine that can smash things. That will solve your problem, she said.

The girl works in a small office and writes things on a notepad everyday. Today she draws a picture of the statue and the hands of the statue are pointing to itself, like "why me?".

hi jesus! whats up.

2009-03-21T21:07:00.000-07:00

I woke up at 430 in the afternoon today.

I went through Facebook and found nothing that could keep me there. My friends do new things and everyday things and I think "youre still alive, and this is good. but I do not want to confirm this every five minutes. i still love you, forgive me."

I am getting a new laptop next week and it is a Great Event.

Future Story

A father carves a hole in his daughters chest so that she can breathe underwater. She jumps into the sea and she waves goodbye. They do not make long speeches. He is moving to another town because of his job as a software engineer. He also plays the saxophone.

Sometimes he watches videos of the deep sea on Youtube and thinks of his daughter living there with sharks and stinging jellyfish. He pictures her punching the sharks on the nose because she is a tough cookie. He sees her swimming like a drunk motorist and shouting at whales to get out of her way.

He screams I love you! into the sink every night after he brushes his teeth.

remember to inhale

2009-03-03T08:57:00.000-08:00

Farming holes.

constant sand.

exponential stray love.

we burn into bombs.

Future Story

A dead body is found under a bed. The dead body is happy to be found. Owner of said bed says "you must belong to someone". They both nod. They play monopoly and bingo for awhile. A wife comes into the room and asks the dead body if it would like some pot noodle. "Only if its the spicy kind." says the dead body.

i will stop pretending im okay for five minutes, i promise.

2009-02-17T16:48:00.000-08:00

I need vitality.

I should give myself the middle finger.

Future Story

...

hi, i came from the future to tell you that its going to rain tomorrow.

2009-02-16T15:09:00.001-08:00

My work will take me to new and strange places this weekend.

I could live a whole week with just a jar of peanut butter.

If we all had wings we wouldnt have global warming and shit like that. Thanks a lot God.

I need to go live in a cave somewhere and emerge full of enlightenment.

I finally wrote an email to estranged sibling and told him I loved him and that everything is okay. It felt good. I want to be nothing but forgiveness. I need to be nothing but forgiveness.

Future Story

A woman is waiting for her train to arrive. She is in a strange town for work purposes. She sees the back of her fathers head in the crowd. She calls out to him, "Dad!" but the back of her fathers head walks away.

She wants to run after him but her train is arriving soon. She cant miss this train because it will make her late for dinner with Roger- who is her fiancee.

If she is late, Roger, who is her fiancee would point out many unnerving things, such as 'how did you know for sure it was your father, why didnt you just call him on his mobile phone, what would he be doing there in a strange town that you only visited for work purposes?

It would be too hard to explain to Roger that it was just her father and he was walking away.

when your face feels like clay, turn your mouth into a flower pot

2009-02-13T11:35:00.000-08:00

Everyone should have a stage built into their living room. There should be impromptu performances happening in every house in the world, and you could charge admission or let people in for free when you are feeling lonely. If people listened to me no one would ever feel like killing themselves.

I want to live on a boat one day and drift to wherever. I have to solve my sea-sick problems.

I had mushy peas for tea again today. As a child I hated peas, and whenever my mother included them in her dishes I would hate her a little bit and also feel like I was facing a mild sort of death sentence.

I am growing up, growing growing growing gone.

Future story

A woman eats her neighbors flowers everyday. They pretend not to notice, even though sometimes she forgets herself and stands in the middle of their garden in broad daylight with fistfuls of roses in her hands, inside her cheeks. One day they move away to Florida and this makes her feel very sad. She climbs up to the rooftop of her house and doesnt move for several days.

She finally comes down and finds hundreds of boxes with Florida postmarks. The boxes are filled with pictures of flowers. Behind the pictures there are words like "Wish you were here" and "missing you". She eats the pictures, tearing them up into tiny strips and rolling them into little balls beforehand.

all we need is more robots

2009-02-12T16:17:00.000-08:00

Do you sometimes look at you-in-the-past and feel like "oh you poor precious thing!"

?

Sometimes when I am exercising (or, when I exercise, which is some of the time) I feel such an intense affirmation of the fact that my body is a flimsy container. Also, all the people on exercise dvds could use a punch in the face.

I looked at websites to find out how to make a dress, and I then wished I could make everything, beds, beer, puppies, stereos and condoms, just cut out the middle man and my hands will be the only factory I need. The only place that I can write complaint letters to; I will give myself a money back guarantee.

Future Story

A fisherman wins American idol, and his first single is about a mermaid he had sexual relations with. His lawyers find out that the mermaid was in fact an underage diver. The diver is a beautiful blonde boy, and his eyes look like sand at the bottom of the sea. The fisherman begs the blonde underage diver "Please dont ruin my career." He gives the blonde diver a mansion. The blonde diver doesnt say anything because he is mute. He is also a professional ballet dancer. He auditions for So You Think You Can Dance and thinks of mermaids with their tails chopped off as he pirouettes.

Wade Robson says "I love your musicality". Mary says "You are one hot tamale". Nigel gives him a ticket and says "Welcome to Hollywood!". The blonde underage diver says nothing.

karma is an old granny who wont stop sending weepy postcards to you

2009-02-11T10:01:00.000-08:00

Hi!

Reason 17648# I hate getting older:

Less things make you laugh.

I dreamt I was eleven again last night. I dont know if the feeling when I woke up was disappointment, it just felt flat, like old beer. My boyfriends nose bled today and I was a little jealous. I have only had one nosebleed ever, and I remember feeling very happy when it happened. I told everyone and they said "So what!".

My wisdom tooth is killing me every five minutes. I am using a sort of anaesthetic ointment that smells like a dentists spitoon. My quality of life this week is down by 25 percent and I snap at everyone and say mean things on the internet even when I dont really care.

Future Story

A man blogs about something that never happened. His wife reads it and it makes her feel like he has always been someone else. She stops rubbing her feet against his when they are in bed. He notices this and thinks "alright!" because he never liked it when she did that. She moves all her things into the guest room, and he thinks that perhaps this is what happens to all enduring relationships. You dont stay in love, but you are fond enough of each other to share the utility bills forever.

urgent response required

2009-02-09T13:30:00.000-08:00

Im really tired.

Someone has poured candle wax in between my joints. I walk like an emu on ice skates.

Today I realized that my skin is going to age and turn into a mess soon, so I walked through the snow to buy "super duper stupendous miracles inside bottles" stuff. I was kneeling on the floor and I realized that I looked desperate. What am I trying to save anyway, dude?

Future Story

A woman lives inside a big tub of moisturizer. Her cats leave her. A man comes in and smokes and watches her. He says, I think youd make a great movie. They talk about their respective childhoods and she finds out that he had a tough one. They fall in love. He refills her tub of moisturizer every three days with Olay 7-in-One Anti-Ageing Moisturizer because it gets 5 stars from customer reviews in Amazon. She tells him that he will always be enough for her. Sometimes they eat croissants and talk about politics. Both of them love Obama. It is all perfect until he dies and her skin is too young to ever contemplate dying.

There is something wrong with this universe

2009-02-05T15:41:00.000-08:00

when my little sister can commit to a blog better than I can.

She is also better than me in many other ways, but this hurts especially because I discovered the internet (before she did). The first time I typed out an email she still couldnt construct proper sentences.

[insert rant about getting old and how it sucks bananas big time here]

I have been good these past few days, writing-wise. Someone should give me a giant cookie.

Future-story 1

I have a katana in between my ribs.
I walk around.
My friends stop talking to me because I make them feel down.
I pretend to be a statue and Japanese tourists take photographs with me.
They make peace signs over my shoulder.
This makes me useful to some people, mostly Japanese ones.
Someone places me on Google maps.
I am famous on some internet forums that are in Japanese.
A bird pees on my shoulder.
This makes me sad.
Tourists start to keep away from me because I make them feel down.
I climb a mountain.
I sing "Aint no mountain high enough" and stuff.
I still have a katana through my chest.
I dont make it to the top of the mountain.
I stay away from myself because I make me feel down.
Exciting stuff happens.
-END-

On another tangent, I met Mark today and he is great.

We are going to make songs together and he is going to draw a picture of a pirate for me.

There is nothing special in my mouth.

2009-01-15T06:10:00.000-08:00

Everything is annoying today. Everything has tentacles and blogs and flickr pages. They want me to call them or text them and/or hurt them.

I want to finish something before I sleep.

I spent three hours yesterday reading things on the internet. Some of them whittled it through for me, I dont know what Im looking for and I know. Im disgusting. What sort of truth do I want? Do I want it to wear a mustache and do all my laundry for me (a) kidnap me and shoot me in the knee cap (b) lick me until I dream in another language. All of the above.